18 Pieces Of Star Wars Merchandise That Will Make You Whisper “WTF”

In 2015 alone, Star Wars merchandise grossed over $19.4 billion dollars. In fact, some snooty commentators have described Star Wars as less of a movie franchise and more of a toy franchise.

Whatever, Nerf Herders. But there’s no denying that the Star Wars franchise can levitate the cash right out of our wallets, and with that kind of consumer power, everyone is out to make a buck on one of the bigger brands in the galaxy. And with that comes a lot of weird stuff. Like, a lot of weird stuff.

I fell through a Death Star-shaped rabbit hole to find some of the most outlandish Star Wars merch for sale.

Star Wars Chopsticks

As far as this list goes, the chopsticks aren’t so weird. But you’d probably catch a few strange looks if you unsheathed these bad boys at your local sushi joint. They light up, too! As any discerning Star Wars geek knows, you can’t just pick up any old lightsaber. It has to be imbued with your force-sensitive energy — which is why Amazon offers these chopsticks in different colors to match your vibe.

“I Will Not Be Your Father” Condoms

I can’t speak on whether or not this will enhance your lightsaber. But the review section is a must-read.

Jabba The Hut Spice

There’s always been a little rivalry between Duneheads and Star Wars acolytes when it comes to just how much George Lucas was inspired by Frank Herbert. Who knows? Maybe the Kessel Run was adjacent to Arrakis.

At any rate, this is a first-class passive aggressive gift for the Dune fan in your life — or just a really weird gift for anyone who has no idea what in the hell you’re talking about.

Star Wars Taxidermy Mice

What to get the Star Wars fan who has everything? Probably not these creepy-weird taxidermied mice. I have so many questions, but I don’t think I want the answers.

Star Wars Light Up Nipple Pasties

These LED light-up nipple pasties are marketed as a versatile accessory. For the discerning dark side apprentice, they can be worn on top of clothes or on a bag. They come in an array of colors, although turning them off isn’t quite the user-friendly experience one would expect. According to the shop, to turn off your flashing nipple pasties, you’ll need to twist your nips.

Tea-Wok Tea Bag Holder

If you enjoy tea and Star Wars, you might be one of the large population of British people who identify as Jedis. In 2001, over 300,000 people wrote “Jedi” as their religion on a national census, causing one man, Daniel Jones, to start an official Church of Jediism. He even claimed religious persecution when he was kicked out of a local supermarket for refusing to take off his hood.

The supermarket responded in an official statement which read, “Jedis are very welcome to shop in our stores, although we would ask them to remove their hoods. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda, and Luke Skywalker all appeared hoodless without ever going over to the Dark Side, and we are only aware of the Emperor as one who never removed his hood.”

If you buy this tea bag holder, I hope you remember that story every time you use it.

Willy Warmer

Laugh if you will, but the “knitted protector” was often worn by Scandinavian men to protect their lightsabers from frostbite during arctic winters. On the Faroe Islands, they were also called kallvøttur, which translates to “man mitten.”

A Norwegian and Danish tradition involved a girl giving her suitor a “man mitten” to test his commitment to their relationship. If her boyfriend rejected the kallvøttur, it was decided that he wasn’t ready for marriage, and the relationship was over. So if you’re looking for a romantic gift for your bloke, try this Star Wars-inspired willy warmer.

Wookie Slippers

If you’re a bit of a Wookie in the mornings, these slippers are the perfect way to let everyone know that you should be left alone until you’ve had your coffee. They’re also a helpful distraction from overtly hairy legs.

Wampa Rug

What could be more romantic than relaxing by the fire, reclining on your Wampa rug, and drinking a glass of Pinot Noir? Add this handsome rug to your abode for a touch of Hoth-chic.

Slave Leia Perfume

Do you want to smell like you’re chained to a giant, obese slug? I mean, if you do, you can buy this from Amazon. From the box description:

“Chains cannot restrain your smoldering sensuality, even when the most despicable scum in the galaxy surround you. Whether you’re on a daring rescue mission or are being held captive by a nefarious slug/gangster, your regal bearing lets the world know that despite appearances, you’re no one’s servant. Fearless and inventive, Slave Leia Perfume includes floral top notes of white peach, lily, bergamot, heliotrope, and raspberry that dry down to a warm sultry mix of cashmere woods, musk, and night-blooming jasmine. Slave Leia Perfume: More powerful than a thermal detonator, yet more comfortable than a metal bikini!”

 

Star Wars Tiki Mugs

This limited-edition tiki set from ThinkGeek comes complete with six tiki glasses, featuring Wicket, a Jawa, C3PO, a Tusken Raider, a Tauntaun, and a Wampa. It’s 0.01% weird and 99.99% want.

Fallen AT-AT Lawn Ornament

When your overly-peppy neighbor asks you how you’re doing, you can just point solemnly at your AT-AT laying face-planted in your lawn and silently walk away.

Droid Bouquet

Because nothing says “I’m sorry” like a bouquet of nine R2 units.

“Hold on,” you might be thinking. “Why would my lady want nine R2-D2 units?” Flowers die, but a droid is forever. This droid bouquet comes with three of each R2 units, including R2-D2 (obvi), R2-Q5, and R2-D9.

Han Solo Yoga Pants

Cosplay can be every day with these Han Solo yoga pants. Nama-stay sharp, kid.

Yoda Themed Mankini

Unconventional speech patterns aren’t the only thing Yoda and Borat have in common, thanks to this “one of a kind” mankini available on Etsy.

Yoda mankini

Via Etsy

 

Lando Disguise

Hurry, this very effective Lando disguise won’t be on Ebay for long.

Sexy Wookie Sticker Set

Like big mutts and you cannot lie? Fly that freak flag high with these not-at-all questionable sexy Wookie stickers.

Space Slug Jack In The Box

If you don’t like clowns, but still want to scare the bejesus out of your kids, hand this over and yell “THIS IS NO CAVE!” when the Exogorth pops out of this jack-in-the-box.

Happy #StarWarsDay, everyone!

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